


i should know who i am by now

by Doranwen



Category: Leverage
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexual Parker (Leverage), Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, parker is ace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25054549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doranwen/pseuds/Doranwen
Summary: Parker realizes something about herself.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 33





	i should know who i am by now

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Winter by Joshua Radin (that gorgeous song that plays at the end of 1x02 The Homecoming Job).
> 
> Warning for mild allusions to past dubcon/non-con.
> 
> Parker pinged me as ace in S1 and even finishing watching S5 hasn't shaken my feeling that that seems to be the most likely interpretation of her character. Would love to hear from anyone else who thinks the same thing!
> 
> Hopefully I've kept them in character - they're kind of tricky! Set post-S5 but I'm using slightly more earlier-seasons-Parker because they sort of erased a lot of her autistic characteristics as the show went on, a bit unrealistically (learning to adapt doesn't mean one is suddenly "cured" of autism). Earlier seasons Parker is more Parker than later seasons Parker, if that makes any sense…

Eliot turned his knife to dice through the onion crosswise, his whole body twitching when he suddenly saw her. "Damnit Parker, knock like a normal person!"

His outburst had more mild grumbling than actual bite to it, though, so Parker ignored it. He always grumbled when she snuck up on him (particularly if she had to break in); that's why it was so much fun to do. She pulled one of the stools out from across the breakfast nook and perched on it, fiddling with her hands. "How do you know if you want to have sex with someone?" she asked after a minute of watching him chop.

"I'm not having this conversation with you, Parker!" The sound of the knife striking the cutting board punctuated his words.

"Who else **can** I have it with?"

Eliot must have heard something in her question, or noticed how she wasn't looking at him, because his reply was surprisingly gentle, and the chopping was replaced by a simple thunk as the knife was laid on the side counter. "What do you mean?"

"Sophie's gone; I don't have anyone I can ask." She stole a glance up at him; Eliot was watching her with the intense look he sometimes got when he was being very serious with her.

"You could try talking to your boyfriend," he suggested, with a pointed emphasis on 'boyfriend'.

Parker gave him one of her 'that's stupid' glances. "Of course not; he's the one I'm talking about. That's why I asked you."

Eliot sighed. "Whether you want to or not is up to you; it's not something anyone else can tell you."

She frowned. "But I don't know! Sophie told me awhile ago I shouldn't have sex with someone unless I wanted to, but I've never done that, so I don't know."

Eliot gave her an unreadable look. "You've never had sex before, or…"

She rolled her eyes. "No, I've had sex, it just never was because **I** wanted to."

Eliot took a deep breath and let it out slowly, flaring his nostrils a little as he did so. "I thought you were already having sex with him."

Parker thought she heard him mutter, "Why am I even having this conversation?" but ignored it. He was listening, at least. "No, he always wants to kiss, but I only sometimes like kissing. When it's light and quick, it's nice. But when it just keeps going, then I feel like I'm being suffocated and I have to get away." Eliot looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there, but he was still listening, so she kept going. "But I think he wants more. He hints at it sometimes, but I always pretend I don't understand what he means. I thought maybe I just don't like kissing but sex would be better this time, but I don't know how to tell if…" She trailed off.

She glanced up at Eliot, who had his eyes closed and was pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn't seem to have anything consoling to say. "Something **is** wrong with me, isn't there?" she asked, quieter. She stared at her lap. "Everyone else wants to, and I don't. Before I thought it was just because I didn't have a boyfriend, but I have one now and I still don't want to."

"Hey, look at me."

Parker met his eyes. They didn't seem angry or disapproving, and she relaxed a little. Eliot's eyes always said everything important.

"There's nothing wrong with you, all right? Some people just don't want to have sex. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with you."

"You sure?" Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Positive." He shoved the onion off the cutting board with the knife into a pan on the stove and picked up a bell pepper. "You still love him, right?" He made the first cut into the pepper.

"Yeah," she said, but frowned again.

The chopping stopped almost as soon as it began. "Darlin', you didn't sound too convincing there. What's wrong?"

She forced herself to clear the expression off her face. Sometimes she wasn't sure what love exactly was. Or what the difference between friends and dating was. But she'd shared enough with Eliot for one day. "Nothing, I'm fine," she answered. "Thanks for listening," she called over her shoulder as she headed back to the window she'd used to enter his house in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working on a longer post-finale fic that may or may not incorporate this conversation, but will also feature ace!Parker. If I can manage to get the A-plot stuff down. (Anyone want to discuss cons and the black book and all that, let me know!)
> 
> I decided to leave the conversation about platonic vs. romantic for another day; that's even harder to pin down than asexuality is, and given that Hardison is Parker's first relationship, and the team are the first people she's really trusted (other than Archie for thief-training), it's entirely plausible that she has confused deep friendship/best friends with romantic relationship feelings. Speaking from personal experience, if you've never experienced being in love, it can be easy to not notice that you aren't actually in love with someone (being on the autism spectrum does not help here), especially if you care about them deeply. She'd take her cues from everyone else (Sophie assuming she's feeling romantic feelings in The Grave Danger Job, Hardison telling her what they should be doing as far as dating goes), not her own feelings. Ergo, I'm not convinced she's actually in love with Hardison. But that's for another fic, another day. :)


End file.
